Blog #42: What Are They Saying About You?

"I was watching a podcast recently, and the guest said, “I have a strong ‘don't care.’” He explained that he had cared so much at one point that it almost broke him. But 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast all our cares on the Lord, which helped him release the burden of other people's opinions...."

That immediately got me thinking. As I continued listening, there was a sense of peace about him. He seemed genuinely free from the weight of other people's opinions, which is especially important for someone living in the public eye. But what about the rest of us? The career professionals, the church leaders, the community leaders. The people whose roles and relationships require us to consider how others experience us. All of us grapple at some point with other people's perceptions of us. Sometimes we tell ourselves a story that we don't care what others think. But I wonder if that is entirely true.

I think some of us care too much about what people think. We analyze every comment, replay conversations in our heads and worry about how something might have been perceived. We want everyone to like us, understand us and agree with our decisions. We can become so concerned with managing our reputation that we start allowing other people's opinions to shape our identity.

Others of us don't care enough. We dismiss criticism because they don't know me. We write off feedback because that's just their opinion. We convince ourselves that as long as we know our intentions, how other people experience us doesn't really matter.

Then there is the urge to defend ourselves. Someone says something about us that isn't true, or at least isn't the way we see it, and immediately we want to correct the record. We want to explain what really happened, defend our intentions or make sure everybody knows our side. Scripture reminds us in Romans 12:19 that vengeance belongs to God. That verse isn't telling us that we can never clarify something or defend ourselves, but it is a reminder that we don't have to personally fight every battle, correct every misunderstanding or settle every score.

We do, and probably should, be aware of the perceptions of others. But there is a balance. Where I have learned to draw the line is how much energy I give those perceptions. I try very hard not to let the opinions of others dictate my decisions and life moves, which is easier said than done, for sure!

The challenge is having the discernment to know which opinions deserve our attention and which ones we need to release. Sometimes this looks like letting people be wrong about you. Other times, what we call letting people be wrong is actually avoidance. The perception may be true, and we just don't want to hear it.

So how do we know the difference?

That question brought me to an interesting conversation Jesus had with His disciples in Matthew 16.

Jesus asks them, "Who do people say the Son of Man is?"

The disciples give Him the answers. Some say John the Baptist. Others say Elijah, Jeremiah or one of the prophets. In other words, Jesus asked what people were saying about Him. That stood out to me. We spend a lot of time saying we shouldn't care what people think, yet Jesus was aware of what people thought about Him. He asked the question. He listened to the answers. He was interested enough to ask, but secure enough not to react.

Then He changed the question: "But what about you? Who do you say I am?"

Peter answered, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God."

The people closest to Jesus had experienced something the crowds had not. They had walked with Him, watched Him teach and seen the miracles. They knew Him beyond His reputation.

Jesus cared about whether His disciples understood who He was, but He wasn't interested in prematurely broadcasting an identity that people weren't prepared to understand correctly. In fact, after Peter identifies Him as the Messiah, Jesus tells the disciples not to tell anyone.

At first, that seems strange. The disciples finally understood who He was. Why wouldn't Jesus want them to tell everybody, to make sure people understood who He really was? I believe it’s partially because Jesus wanted everyone to stay focused on the mission, not defending His title, not correcting misperceptions, not getting pulled into debates. Purpose.

The title "Messiah" carried expectations. They could hear the right title and still misunderstand the mission. 

We also carry a lot of titles. Some more than others, but we can be labeled all kinds of things. Leader.

Executive. Friend. Mentor. Parent. Christian. Servant. Does the way we live match what we call ourselves? Better question, does the way we live match our purpose?

I can say I'm a motivational leader, but are the people I lead actually motivated or are they scared of me? I can say I'm approachable, but are people comfortable bringing me bad news? I can say I'm collaborative, but have I already made the decision before I ask for input? I can say I value honesty, but do I become defensive when someone tells me something I don't want to hear? I can say I'm a Christian, but can people recognize Christ in the way I treat them, especially when I'm frustrated, offended, criticized or inconvenienced?

There is who we think we are, who we say we are, who other people experience us to be, and who God has called us to be. How much distance is between those people?

We naturally see ourselves through the lens of our intentions. We know what we meant. We know our heart. Other people experience our words, decisions, reactions and behavior. Our intentions matter, but so does our impact.

That doesn't mean every perception of us is accurate. People can misunderstand us, make assumptions or project their own experiences onto us. Even the people closest to us can get it wrong. We can't fix every perception of us, but we can examine whether our behavior helped create it.

So how do we know when something deserves a closer look? Pay attention to:

• Patterns. One person's opinion may be wrong. Hearing the same thing from several unrelated people deserves more attention.

• How people behave around you. A leader may never hear, "You're intimidating." Instead, no one disagrees with them, people hesitate to bring them problems, or everyone waits to hear the leader's opinion before sharing their own.

• Your defensiveness. The feedback you immediately want to explain away may be worth sitting with a little longer. "That's not what I meant" explains your intention, but it doesn't automatically change someone else's experience.

• Who you are under pressure. It's easy to describe ourselves as patient, gracious and collaborative when everything is going well. Disagreement, criticism, disappointment and inconvenience have a way of exposing the gaps.

That's where you versus you gets real.

The person you say you are versus the person you consistently show yourself to be. The leader you believe you are versus the leader people actually experience. The faith you profess versus the life you live. The person you are today versus the person God is calling you to become.

Finding a gap isn't an invitation to obsess over your reputation. It takes humility to consider that someone else's experience of us may reveal something we haven't seen in ourselves. The goal isn't reputation management. It's making sure our lives and behavior remain aligned with our purpose. Get curious. Listen without immediately explaining. Apologize or change when necessary. Give trusted people permission to tell you the truth. Most importantly, ask God to reveal what you may not see in yourself. 

Jesus knew exactly who He was. The crowds didn't define Him, and their misunderstandings didn't distract Him from His mission. He didn't need to chase down every wrong perception or convince everyone to understand Him. He knew who He was, knew what He had been sent to do and lived accordingly.

Maybe that's the balance. I care what people think about me. I care about my reputation and how people experience my leadership, friendship and faith. I just don't care enough to give every opinion my energy or allow someone else's perception to become my identity.

So, what are they saying about you?

Listen to the answer. Consider the source. Look for the patterns. Examine the gaps. Then compare what you hear, not just to who you think you are, but to who God has called you to be.

You don't always have to tell people who you are. Eventually, how you live will tell them.

Stay faithful | Stay disciplined | Stay aligned

Live Blurred,

ZeNai

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Reflection

• What would the people closest to you say about who you are?

• Does their experience of you align with how you describe yourself?

• Are there patterns in the feedback you've received that you may need to examine more closely?

• Does the way you live, lead, and treat people reflect the person you say you are?

• Most importantly, does it reflect who God has called you to be?

  
  

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